don't beat your head, dry your eyes

i am going to be renewed; a shiny new penny.

i am not that girl who begged you to stay. i am not the girl who projected every feeling of inadequacy upon you and forced you to listen to my whining and tears while clearly you never felt you could do the same with me. i will not be her anymore. i will be stronger; i will be more put together; i will live without you.

go on, whisper to her all the same things you said to me. use the same poems for all i care. the spanish, the starbucks dates, the countless hours of philosophical banter and debate. she wont be different. you'll see that she wont be good enough for you. sooner or later; you'll unearth the flaws and the baggage she carries through life and you'll suddenly need more, you'll need something more appealing or more interesting or more focused upon you. she wont be enough. nothing is ever enough.

or will she be?

was it me? was it just me who wasn't good enough; who couldn't satisfy? who couldn't offer enough? just my entire life.. i mean, sure, that's just not enough. you needed more. i get that. i don't want to hear the bullshit anymore. i don't want to hear the excuses, the tired apologies and the hours upon hours of why i'm never good enough. reason after reason of why i shouldn't be allowed to exist as a person; why NOTHING could satisfy and nothing could please. i've heard it all my life. i've believed it all my life. but i never believed that you would make me feel that way.

i wonder if you talk about me. i wonder if she knows about our piano practices and the bleachers. what i really wonder, though, is if this is just you trying to escape from being alone? or are you really happy? is it the same thing that you did with me right after breaking up with the girl before me.. or do you really not care enough to grieve at least a little longer for the love we lost? were you really over it the week after it ended? or were you over it before it ended?

all these questions have been rolling around in my head for the past two months and they have got to stop.

i cannot be this person anymore.

i cannot let you control me. i am strong. i am able. i am good enough. i am worth something. i am smart. i am not worse than you.

for so long i needed you to believe those things; but in the end does it really matter? i know that i believe them, and i have people that surround me with love and believe them as well. that is what counts.

i lost something in losing you. i lost a friend; a partner; a support; a rock. but i will be okay. i will continue breathing. life goes on. life goes on.

so for now i say goodbye, my dear friend. you will forever be in my heart and i will never stop loving you. i wish you the world, for i know that you will embrace it with open arms and you will stop at nothing to give all that you have to it. be happy and be real.. live life for all that it is. don't forget me, and i swear i wont forget you. we owe that much to us, i think.