Unbreak my Heart

The last few days have been extraordinarily difficult. Can I die from a broken heart?

Last night I completely lost it. I drove around the city so I could just scream in my car at the top of my lungs. I screamed until my throat was salty and raw. Then I came home. The husband and I continued the talk we were having before I fled to scream, then we went upstairs to bed.

I was looking for a movie to watch and I realized that there is no song I’ve ever heard, no movie I’ve ever seen, no breath I’ve ever taken that did not include him. I was 14 when we met. My whole life has been with and about him.

I lost it. I stood there looking at our movies and I completely lost it. I crumpled. I cracked. I started sobbing and I couldn’t stop.

He said he’d hold me if I wanted. He held me while I hyperventilated and alternatively forgot how to breathe altogether. He whispered in my hair the whole time as I wailed and moaned and mourned in my grief. He rubbed my back and just kept whispering to me, breathe, breathe, I will always be around when you need me, and things will be even better than before because we’ve always been best friends, just breathe. He said I am the only person he has ever known who he thinks will go to heaven if there is one.

He said he has to think really hard to even remember any bad times. And yet he is adamant about getting a divorce. He is sure he can never be himself around me.

I feel soooooo sad. I don’t know what to do.